I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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