i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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