No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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