so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
