life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
