just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
