I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
