and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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