I just threw up on my dentist
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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