My liver just broke up with me...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
