I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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