Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
