mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
