things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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