i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
