He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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