there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
