bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize