Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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