Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
