chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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