Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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