I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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