we have officially lost it.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
