I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
