What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
