I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
