It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize