When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
