Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
