I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
