Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
