don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize