Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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