I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
