it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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