Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
