farters have to be the big spoon...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
And then he peed in my hair
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