The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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