I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
