girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
This is the high leading the old right now
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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