If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
