youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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