phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You are a genius and a whore.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
