Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
