The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
