So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
