Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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