hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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