and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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