I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
