I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
