I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
