I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
