If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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