I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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