Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
