You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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