I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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