Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
