Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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