Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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