I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
