I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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