I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize