Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You need a sexual gate keeper
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
