TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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