what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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