I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
