My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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